Can I be honest?

My dad always tells me that if I can't be honest with anyone else, at least be true and honest to myself. Well right now I really need to be and since this is just an extension of me, you get to hear my honesty. I'm so lonely right now. I'm trying to find the balance in my loneliness so I can find a happy point and just be there but it seems that when I find this balance its thrown off my my feelings.  I look around and I see couples and families and people sharing feelings with each other and in their inner circle. But when I look back at me, I don't have an inner circle, unless you count me, myself and I and sometimes, honestly, they get tired of me.  I want to have someone to share my feelings and my emotions with.  I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of waiting and wishing and hoping.  I honestly think I'm still waiting for my ex; no, honestly, I am still waiting on my ex. I know that he's not going to turn around, I know he's not going to stop being the selfish bastard that he is, I know that he's never going to consider what I want and my feelings, but I've already established myself with him and apparently he is the only one that I want. On several occasions I have been told that I push people away and that I make up excuses to push them away. This maybe true, actually this is true.  I can't figure out why I want him. I don't know if its because of the familiar, or its just because I'm afraid of the newness.  I want to move forward, I want to experience something new. I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want to talk to someone who understands me and listens, yet doesn't judge me and can be complete honest with me and I with them.  All I know is that loneliness sucks and I don't want to be here anymore.  

So I'm leaving Florida tomorrow and although this was supposed to be my think it through time, it wasn't. I don't think anything will change when I get back, although I am ready for a change.  Florida was nice and I miss Virginia just enough to say that I do, but I think, no, I know I must go back to reality and face my problems whole heartedly.  I'm not ready for that, but the choice that I have is not really a choice as much as it is my only choice. I've discovered that I tend to want my problems to drift into the sunset as I sit on the beach and watch that happen, but much to my dismay, it doesn't happen that way.  I have to deal with my problems, I have to be a big girl and face them and try to solve them.  I've also learned that I cannot solve them in my own ability so I'm going to pray and ask God to help me with them. Maybe the more I depend on him and trust in His ability to lead me, the faster my problems will dissipate.  Maybe He will lead me away from my problems.  So this is my solution for now, we'll see if it will work.  I'm taking this thing day by day and hoping for the best in all things.  

Peace and Blessings, 

Kat

The time for newness is now...

Lately I've been torn between a series of things in my life and I'm so tired of being this way. So thanks to the navy, I'm currently away from it all in sunny Pensacola, Florida for two weeks. Two weeks to most is not a lot of time, but for me its like a year!! I've finally got a chance to get out of my most challenging environment to date and look at me and my situations. I can not only concentrate on what is important to me now (my career) but I can cut myself off from my norm and blame it on work and see what I'm really missing. I think that you never know how much you really need something in your life until you are without it. It's like that timeless adage that my grandma and your grandma probably said it too: "You never miss you water til your well run dry."  So for these two weeks, I'm reflecting and re-evaluating situations.  You can always look at someone else's situation and say I would do this or that and be in the exact same situation and be scared to move. So, I'm going to get out of my situations, look back at them and say I'll do this or that, jump back in it and execute.  Every new year there is usually a saying that goes with it, you know a general theme.  Every new year has been a time for newness and new beginnings, and prosperity, and happiness, and everything that you missed out on the year before. I don't do new year's resolutions or themes. My new year isn't a Myspace page, I don't need to decorate it and have my friend's comments floating around, I just need a breath of fresh air. I think I can pull that off here in Florida. So I may be posting some blogs that need your input or suggestions, so stay posted and I'll blog ya later!!!

Peace and blessings, 

Kat

Day for democracy

So today, in respect for the occasion, I am taking the time to congratulate Americans for allowing democracy to reign supreme. I am also thankful that, in keeping with American tradition, we broke a long history of white leaders and allowed a black man to be in charge of our country. This is a very historic day. It sounds so redundant but it is indeed a day that will mark the present, not changing the past, but allowing another opportunity for America to embrace change as we so often do.  Congratulations to our 44th President Barack Obama, congratulations to Americans who made their voices heard through the debates, commentaries, jokes, side notes, etc., congratulations to America for following in the path that our Founding Fathers set out for us in writing the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. Indeed, this day we have set forth a new declaration; we are Americans, proud and strong, boisterous yet civil. This is not a day for African Americans (politically correct) or black people (the term I like to use). This is a day to celebrate democracy, civil rights, human rights, and the freedoms that we as Americans hold so dear to our hearts.  I am black and I am proud of my heritage, but I will not celebrate this as another "freedom day", because I am an American; I have been free to think, live and be since the day I was born.  No one, no matter what anyone says, has held me down or enslaved me. I am proud of my heritage and I recognize the battles that were fought before me to ensure that I was born free, but that is in the past. I recognize and embrace it for what it was. Don't look down on me because I made a political decision different from yours; you should cheer me for being able to think on my own and use the right that was given to me. That's why my ancestors and forefathers fought, bled, and died.  They didn't want to just see the enhancement of black people, but they wanted to enhance a human race. They wanted to see me use the rights that were deprived of them. I thank my ancestors for that gift because that gift produced an even bigger one. So once again, congratulations Mr. President, congratulations America. 

Peace and Blessing, 

Kat

Reflections

My whole life, I've always wanted to achieve more. Not really achieve more, but just move and continue moving. I can never really say that I've been in a place, physically, mentally, or spiritually and been satisfied there. I don't know if that is a good thing or bad. It's not that I wasn't or haven't been content, its just that I've always known that there is something more than what I have or where I am or was and I've wanted it. I guess that saying that the grass is always greener applied to me. I say all that to say this: for the first time in my life, I'm stuck. I don't want to move forward because I really don't want to let go of my past, and I'm afraid that if I move I'll lose all that I've earned and worked so hard for. But, have I already lost it and am I now just holding on to a memory? If that's the case, I need desperately to move and leave that thing that is holding me back. Have you ever been here before? What did you do to leave or did you ever leave?  Relationships have always been my downfall.  I've always been the dumped one, and its always the same reasons: you're too much; I'm not ready for this type of relationship; I feel like I'm taking advantage of you;  you deserve better...I could go on for days with these excuses. I've recently asked my self and my ex, "Am I enough?" I could easily answer that because for myself, I think I'm more than enough, I think I'm excellent. His response: "Darling, you are more than any man could ever want." My reply: "So why don't you want me?" And of course I got a blank stare.  I don't know if I'll ever find my one true love. I thought I did at one time, but of course that didn't work out. Maybe I'm destined to be one of those people who are just meant to be alone. I don't want to but, if its my fate, I guess I can't do anything but accept it and move on. 

What I would like to do with my life is forget everything that happened (relationship wise) post January 2009 and start anew. But if I forgot everything, would I fall for the same guy?  Would there be something in me that wouldn't let me fall for him or would I still be lonely? I don't know...and really there is no telling. I fell for the same lies and the same guy twice. I make excuses for him and expect him to man up and take responsibility for his actions...yeah right. Anyways, I titled this reflections because reflecting is good for the soul. Seriously, when you step out of your situations for two seconds and look back and see where you were and where you are, you can laugh at situations you cried at before, you can sigh a sigh of relief because you made it through those dark times and rough situations. And you can also review what you are doing now and say, "Hey, its really not that bad....because I remember when..."  I was driving from Wal-Mart today and I saw my car's shadow on the pavement as I was driving and I laughed because I just thought about the fact that my car is mine. Its a great car and its mine. Then I started thinking about life, my life in particular, and how good it is. I'm in great health, I get lonely sometimes, but who doesn't. I have a great job, a little cash in my pocket and life is good. Just that thought brought my soul a little joy.  Sometimes, I get so down on myself because my finances aren't the best and my love life is not and I don't have that much of a social life, but then when think about all the things that I do have instead of the things that I lack, I relax a little and breathe and thank my creator.  Reflect on your life, don't think about what you don't have, I'm not asking you to be haughty but to be grateful for what is available to you. We sometimes have the tendency to look at all the bad and judge that moment off what is available to the naked eye for judgement; I'm asking you just as I asked myself to look into your soul and find where you were this time last year, not even that far, two weeks ago or even two days ago and compare, better yet reflect and see what you come up with....

Peace and blessings, 

Kat

Hello Hello

Well, now that I've been put on this whole blogging game I'm excited that I get to share my ideas and struggles with everyone. So lately, I've been going through a lot. I've recently moved into my own spot which is a very big step into adulthood for me. This makes me feel liberated and on my own even more than I did before. I also just got over feelings that I've had for my ex-fiance for years. This realization has made me feel indescribable.  I've always thought that he would be my one. We have gone through a lot together and I had to know that he wasn't gonna be here for me when I came back from Japan. But the time that I spent out there changed me and I was determined that love was not for me. I was on my own, doing me and living life without a man, especially without him. I always thought about him and occasionally he called me or I called him. But he was with someone while I was overseas and I was alone (in theory). Nevertheless, I still wanted to be with him, I just wasn't ready to trust him or any other man. When I returned to the states, we talked about getting back together and I told him that I wasn't ready to let go of what he did in the past or trust him. So we left well enough alone, I didn't know he was going to move on without me though. I was gonna wait on him so I thought of course he'd wait on me. But he didn't and it hurt so bad. I didn't want to give up on us so of course I threw myself at him and asked myself why did I not get back with him right away. I blamed myself for not being with him while the offer was still valid, not knowing that love never expires. Now he has a girlfriend and I was alone and crying and blaming myself for losing the greatest thing since pockets. Then I just got tired of crying and blaming myself and ultimately being number 2.  I realized that I'm not supposed to be number 2 to anyone and that I'd rather be number 1 to me than number 2 to him. So now I'm over him and I'm glad to say that I'm not beating myself up anymore or singing sad ass love songs and reminiscing on times that we used to do whatever. I'm happy being single. I'm happy and content with me. I'm not looking for Mr.Right. If Mr.Right wants to get to me, he'll have to find me. So, now that that's done, I am so excited to be in my first apartment. I don't have much of anything right now!! I have an air mattress and my clothes. I forgot that food does not come with the apartment so I went out and bought some food but only like frozen entrees and noodles...lol!! I don't have any pots and pans or anything, but I'm just glad to be on my own!! I love to write poetry and sing, so I'll be posting some of my poetry on here pretty soon. So this is my first blog  so now that I have somewhere to vent, I will be!!!  Later...Ms.Kat