Can I be honest?

My dad always tells me that if I can't be honest with anyone else, at least be true and honest to myself. Well right now I really need to be and since this is just an extension of me, you get to hear my honesty. I'm so lonely right now. I'm trying to find the balance in my loneliness so I can find a happy point and just be there but it seems that when I find this balance its thrown off my my feelings.  I look around and I see couples and families and people sharing feelings with each other and in their inner circle. But when I look back at me, I don't have an inner circle, unless you count me, myself and I and sometimes, honestly, they get tired of me.  I want to have someone to share my feelings and my emotions with.  I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of waiting and wishing and hoping.  I honestly think I'm still waiting for my ex; no, honestly, I am still waiting on my ex. I know that he's not going to turn around, I know he's not going to stop being the selfish bastard that he is, I know that he's never going to consider what I want and my feelings, but I've already established myself with him and apparently he is the only one that I want. On several occasions I have been told that I push people away and that I make up excuses to push them away. This maybe true, actually this is true.  I can't figure out why I want him. I don't know if its because of the familiar, or its just because I'm afraid of the newness.  I want to move forward, I want to experience something new. I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want to talk to someone who understands me and listens, yet doesn't judge me and can be complete honest with me and I with them.  All I know is that loneliness sucks and I don't want to be here anymore.  

So I'm leaving Florida tomorrow and although this was supposed to be my think it through time, it wasn't. I don't think anything will change when I get back, although I am ready for a change.  Florida was nice and I miss Virginia just enough to say that I do, but I think, no, I know I must go back to reality and face my problems whole heartedly.  I'm not ready for that, but the choice that I have is not really a choice as much as it is my only choice. I've discovered that I tend to want my problems to drift into the sunset as I sit on the beach and watch that happen, but much to my dismay, it doesn't happen that way.  I have to deal with my problems, I have to be a big girl and face them and try to solve them.  I've also learned that I cannot solve them in my own ability so I'm going to pray and ask God to help me with them. Maybe the more I depend on him and trust in His ability to lead me, the faster my problems will dissipate.  Maybe He will lead me away from my problems.  So this is my solution for now, we'll see if it will work.  I'm taking this thing day by day and hoping for the best in all things.  

Peace and Blessings, 

Kat