Reflections

My whole life, I've always wanted to achieve more. Not really achieve more, but just move and continue moving. I can never really say that I've been in a place, physically, mentally, or spiritually and been satisfied there. I don't know if that is a good thing or bad. It's not that I wasn't or haven't been content, its just that I've always known that there is something more than what I have or where I am or was and I've wanted it. I guess that saying that the grass is always greener applied to me. I say all that to say this: for the first time in my life, I'm stuck. I don't want to move forward because I really don't want to let go of my past, and I'm afraid that if I move I'll lose all that I've earned and worked so hard for. But, have I already lost it and am I now just holding on to a memory? If that's the case, I need desperately to move and leave that thing that is holding me back. Have you ever been here before? What did you do to leave or did you ever leave?  Relationships have always been my downfall.  I've always been the dumped one, and its always the same reasons: you're too much; I'm not ready for this type of relationship; I feel like I'm taking advantage of you;  you deserve better...I could go on for days with these excuses. I've recently asked my self and my ex, "Am I enough?" I could easily answer that because for myself, I think I'm more than enough, I think I'm excellent. His response: "Darling, you are more than any man could ever want." My reply: "So why don't you want me?" And of course I got a blank stare.  I don't know if I'll ever find my one true love. I thought I did at one time, but of course that didn't work out. Maybe I'm destined to be one of those people who are just meant to be alone. I don't want to but, if its my fate, I guess I can't do anything but accept it and move on. 

What I would like to do with my life is forget everything that happened (relationship wise) post January 2009 and start anew. But if I forgot everything, would I fall for the same guy?  Would there be something in me that wouldn't let me fall for him or would I still be lonely? I don't know...and really there is no telling. I fell for the same lies and the same guy twice. I make excuses for him and expect him to man up and take responsibility for his actions...yeah right. Anyways, I titled this reflections because reflecting is good for the soul. Seriously, when you step out of your situations for two seconds and look back and see where you were and where you are, you can laugh at situations you cried at before, you can sigh a sigh of relief because you made it through those dark times and rough situations. And you can also review what you are doing now and say, "Hey, its really not that bad....because I remember when..."  I was driving from Wal-Mart today and I saw my car's shadow on the pavement as I was driving and I laughed because I just thought about the fact that my car is mine. Its a great car and its mine. Then I started thinking about life, my life in particular, and how good it is. I'm in great health, I get lonely sometimes, but who doesn't. I have a great job, a little cash in my pocket and life is good. Just that thought brought my soul a little joy.  Sometimes, I get so down on myself because my finances aren't the best and my love life is not and I don't have that much of a social life, but then when think about all the things that I do have instead of the things that I lack, I relax a little and breathe and thank my creator.  Reflect on your life, don't think about what you don't have, I'm not asking you to be haughty but to be grateful for what is available to you. We sometimes have the tendency to look at all the bad and judge that moment off what is available to the naked eye for judgement; I'm asking you just as I asked myself to look into your soul and find where you were this time last year, not even that far, two weeks ago or even two days ago and compare, better yet reflect and see what you come up with....

Peace and blessings, 

Kat